But the epidemic of families being broken has hit my doorstep almost 5 years ago and since then I had to split my children with their mother on holidays or alternating holidays. For me, that is so hard because I desire to be with my family all the time especially on holidays but that is not a reality any longer. NEVER would I thought I would be waking up alone on Christmas Day. Not having my sons screaming "wake up daddy, its Christmas!". Tears fill my eyes, a lump in my throat develops and the feeling of despair hits so hard. ITS MY AGONY OF SOLITUDE... But it goes even beyond that.For years I made a decent salary as an assistant pastor able to comfortably pay all my bills. Every year when Christmas was approaching, shopping was a manageable issue because I knew the money was there. Things are much different now. I love what I do, I love serving families and people but I live check to check and even picked up a second job, one day a week, just to hopefully have enough for the month to cover the bills. I refuse to work a job that does not permit me to be home with my children every night, on weekends and on holidays. Being with my kids is more important to me than being able to afford the latest pair of Jordans or video game - but during the holidays it seems to be a different story. Even as a published author, it does little for finances if the books aren't selling and opportunities to speak are rare. I couldn't afford to buy the things my sons wanted. I didn't have money to fill up the floor underneath our tree, in fact this year and last year we didn't even have a tree because of lack of space. The picture I once took annually of the gifts overflowing our living room is, at present, a thing of the past. I spent the last two weeks thinking how not having any money during Christmas time was liberating, but that feeling quickly fades come Christmas morning. The beautiful thing is how my sons, even my six year old, understands and express love for me regardless.
10 years from now my sons will not remember what I was or wasn't able to buy them but they will remember the amount of time I spent with them.
Father, Author, Family Worker, Pastor, Mentor, Student - and I too struggle. Life can be back breaking sometimes. Why do I appear to be happy, because I know there is a Sovereign God who will not temp me beyond what I am capable of. I trust in God. I do not always smile, I am not always happy but I do have a consistent joy. My life is not where I want it right now, but that will not get me down and it shouldn't get you or keep you down either. I do not have it all together but I still desire to be joyful and help others. 
I wrote this because I want to encourage those on the verge of tearing their family apart to work out their issues instead of creating a situation where you too will have to split your children on holidays. Lovingly work out your issues, recommit to one another and seek the Savior (Jesus). His example on what it means to be a husband and a wife (as He is the husband to the church and the church a wife to Him). My story is a real look into one of the lives of an ex-husband who shares his children with his ex-wife.I have a couple books is in the works, one of the books will be an eye opener for married couples seeking to divorce. God's design for family is extremely beautiful - but - you have to follow His design!!!!! Trust me, it is worth it.
Avoid The Agony of Solitude
Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife eves as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of His body. "Therefore a mans shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each on of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
